It's Official: Saturday Night's Dinner Will Now Be Referred To As #OysterGate

Last night I got home and had to unwind from the White Sox getting bent over a handrail by the SF Giants, so I consumed some 3chi. In the midst of my buzz, that insecure, begging-for-approval CLOWNDICK Cons did what he does best, which is reply to something that has nothing to do with him:

Long story short, Chief, Dante, Scott Darling and I went to dinner at Chicago Cut last weekend. Typically when I'm at these places, I'm with people that make about the same as I do. I go into these dinners knowing I'm going to be spending way more than I personally should be and will most likely be ordering way more than others because fuck it...let's go big. I don't hold others to that same standard though. That's a me thing.

Now, I wasn't COMPLETELY aware of this societal rule where it's ASSUMED you split every single check evenly. Per Cons, I'm trailer trash who doesn't know fine dining etiquette. He has a point though; the majority of the time you're at a nice dinner with a group of friends, everyone is gonna order similar items and share the same apps. In those cases, just split the check evenly. Makes perfect sense.

Again, point Cons. Nobody is going to nickel and dime or "itemize" when everyone consumed basically the same amount of food/alc money-wise.

BUT, like I said, that's not how I operate at these nice places. I am typically the one going way over what I should be spending because I NEVER EVER want money to be the reason I don't eat or drink something I am craving or interested in trying out, even if it's something the rest of the table doesn't want. It's a clear cut YOLO situation.

I know not everyone operates like that though. That's why I "itemize" checks:

Now, like I said, I was blasted on 3chi. When I sent this, I didn't realize the above tweet makes it look like I grab the check, add up every single penny, and tell people I'm not paying for the wine I didn't consume, which is what it absolutely looks like…

…but it's actually the opposite with me.

An example: If it's a $500 tab for 3 people (to make it a round number), I'm grabbing the check, saying "Okay, I ordered ~$300 worth of food. Run my card for $600 and you guys each venmo me $150 a piece."

THAT'S what I meant by itemizing. I didn't mean it in the literal sense.

And I do this to ensure I can eat WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT. I'm gonna get the most expensive drinks and best cut of steaks and allllll the oysters in the world because I want that experience in that moment and I'm not going to make or even let other people pay for me or split the tab evenly 9 times out of 10 when I ordered the most expensive shit on the menu.

Is that fiscally responsible? Nope. Is it Cons business, your business or anyone else's business how I spend my money? Also nope.

I JUST WANT TO ORDER WHATEVER I FEEL LIKE, and if you're not comfortable going to my extremes, that's fine. I COMPLETELY understand that. That's why I'll gladly pay more than you and why I "itemize" the check. To me, that's adult-like and reasonable.

HOWEVER…On the flip side, If it was the same bill and I was only responsible for $100 of it and the other two guys wanted to split it evenly, I'd do so without batting an eye. Because - for the 3rd time - money is fake for me in these somewhat rare occasions. I'm budget-less. Charge me whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. If everyone has an enjoyable time, I'll pay extra for that even if I didn't consume as much as others. I don't give a shit about the extra few bucks, but don't want others coughing up extra $$$ because of I went HAM on the menu when others didn't.

But apparently we HAVE to split evenly in all instances. Guess I missed that memo. I'd rather take the check and pay more than anyone else so I can order as much as I'd like, but I guess that's frowned upon. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right. I'll never EVER respect this stupid fucking rule. If that makes me white trash and mannerless, then I'm white trash and mannerless.

Can't wait for the next steak dinner and I order $1000 worth of food, pay for said food, and get dragged across the internet coals for ordering whatever I feel like at a nice dinner while covering my fair share at the dinner's conclusion.

#OysterGate